Behind locked doors

behind the locked door

there´s a prisoned child

with a destroyed heart

that never felt love
but learnt to fear
that never learnt to trust
but learnt how to tear
day by day
to protect herself

to cry physically
to die emotionally
consciousness fading away
connection to the outside burning in the fire of fear

a child that could never build a whole soul
behind the fears she cut everything apart
and protected the fear by anger and hate

she followed the leads
they pushed her the way deep down to the bottom of the darkest, cold, wet and loniest well, noone could ever achieve

it´s hidden in the darkest part of herself
the well of her universe
she is the well, the well is she
she is hiding there
she locked herself
she closed the door tightly
she build a place, noone would ever voluntarily step into, not even near the well
nobody could ever get to her und still hurt her
never will she get to anyone else
she is locked up

the root of all pain.

So how can we heal, my little girl?

I have to learn to withstand your attacks to keep me away from your place
I have to get stronger than all of your fears
I have to see the worst in the world to be prepared enough to face your universe
I have to be tough enough to face you

I know you will be ugly
I know you will be disgusting
I know you will be screaming
I know you will be fighting as if I wanted to pull of your skin

I saw you already
I saw the prison you have build to let nobody inside

your world is pure horror
and it´s mine too
where everyone freezes within seconds and can´t move until you took away their lifes
noone will be able to move neither away from you nor towards you
like all nightmares of every child in the dark nights come together just to protect you
like you put the worst out of all horror movies into one scene and made it even worse by your reality
like killing from the inside, loud, painful and wresting

it begins in the core
in the center of all our emotions
in the center of our heart
in the center of what we are
in the center of our thoughts

oh my little girl

it´s ok

I won´t tell you, to stop screeching
I won´t stop you to freak out

your pain is real

can you see the others? they build up right after you locked yourself

they showed up, one after one, to deal with the pain for you
they all had one purpose – protecting you

and mine – is saving you
at your conditions
at your time

so scream as loud as you want to
shake my ground as hard as you have to
push me away as often as you need to

I´ll come back again
slowly and cautiously
you´ll always know when
you´ll always see me coming

my direction is you
I promise, you´ll always decide
you can detain me
you can delay me
but you cannot hold me back

I will be the love you missed the most
I will be the crutch you needed in your fears
I will be your security when you´re falling apart
I will be your certainity that you are loved

know that you don´t have to be better than now
´cause you are perfect already the way you are
at your badest

you protected us, you protected me
without you there would never have been a me

I am you and you are me

****

Wrote this during, after and before hearing „Supermarket flowers“ from Ed Sheeran because of feeling the deepest pain of losing a person you loved and after freeing the pain with the tears that are falling down heavily on my thighs. My breath is still hard to catch. I guess the one you lost is so full of proud and love for you, the clouds have it hard to still carry her. Her love shines through you and is lightening up the world. Your music and your way is one of the most inspiring combination I have ever felt.

Dedicated to all of you, who are working on changing focus from awaiting to be loved and healed to learn how to spread the love and healing you needed the most.

Not always is a heart that´s broken a heart that has been loved.
But always is a broken heart a deep loving one.
A life with love is the only life that you can name „it has been lived“.
So what can I choose as my purpose in life if not spreading love and healing at the best conditions I am able to.

Showing my way to find and build the love the world needs so much to not go down in lonliness.

I´ll learn to give love back to the world. To myself and to the universe.

****

Sometimes it´s easier to get rid of the things in your head in a different way. For me right now it is easier to not use my native language although I really do know that my english skills are not at its best – sorry for that 🙂

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