After the badest major depression I have ever experienced I am sometimes worried, that my brain took a major damage from that. I am not sure if this is just my different wired brain – my introvert brain, that is acting weired. I am also not sure if the source of what I think could be a damage is just the aging process but still sometimes I am worried.
Do you know this? When you can´t talk about things with others because this stuff is just to weird and you don´t know anyone in your life you think could be able to understand? Not even a doctor? So thank god (or whomever) for internet and the possibility to get rid of these thoughts by dropping them down in a blog. And thanks to whomever that you, my dear reader, are participating.
So what´s the matter with my brain? Well, I´m definitly an introvert. My brain requires loads of off-time, time to shut down the senses and time to reflect. I can´t remember how this felt before the time of the long period of major depression. It´s just too long ago. I remember that the off-time needed was quiet longer, often a few weeks up to months and now it takes only hours or days. But now it feels like a physical process in my brain and I guess that´s different, although I´m not sure about that. That´s so damn weired. After a day of socialising I need at minimum one day on my couch or with a long walk in the nature or at the sea, with no human noises, no human scents, no touchings, no thoughts (and that´s the hardest part if your brain ist constantly analyzing, repeating, again analyzing and seeing a thousand different ways the situation you are thinking about could have been going by changing a small variable at any point!). Everything ist overstimulated. My brain feels thick, swollen and heated. I want to gouge holes in my skull just to make more space for my brain. It feels like it is swollen to a size too big to fit into my skull. It also is vibrating und pulsing and causes a kind of dizziness. That kind of dizziness is located only in my brain and I could tell you exactly where it sits. It effects my belly too. Sometimes this kind of dizziness that also feels like a swollen pressure in some parts of my brain causes a small amount of nausea.
So, you know what I mean when I´m sometimes worried that my brain got damaged by all of the negativity of my past, the bad thoughts and feelings I used to have? I really have to laugh a bit by writing this words down 🙂 I do also know that on the other side there is no need to worry, it is not a permanent state of my brain. Some days are free from these symptoms (if you are worried too :D))
Lots of compassion for you, when you are experiencing the same! I would appreciate if you share your experiences with me. Leave a comment or write me an e-mail.