Do you feel as bad as me when you think these words? Not even to think about to speak them out loud. Weak, vulnerable, like you´re not allowed to ask for it?
I am introverted which means that I´m used to think about myself – selfish right? No, not really. I´m analyzing inner processes, I´m thinking about why we do the things we do in the way we do them, why do we think the thoughts we think and why do we use the words we use for them. What are feelings, where are they from and how are they build in the body…. Ok, guess you can assume where this leads 🙂 When I start to ask questions (although it is a permanent unconscious process too) a hundred will follow immediately and every answer brings ten more questions. This exponentiates and yes, I´m really busy with thinking and I am constantly losing focus in consideration of all these thoughts. But what am I doing with the results? I have put so much effort and energy to transform them into a deeper understanding of others, their behaviors and actions, their words, mimes and gestures, their feelings. A lot had to do with anticipating the future, because the unknown was freaking me out and scaring me.
I had so much to do with controlling everything, that nothing won´t hurt me, that I never ever thought about what I really feel and what I really want. This controlling mindset came along with a really bad self-esteem. I learned that I am not allowed to demand for anything if I am not perfect at first and had proven that I am. The thing with „perfect“ is: It doesn´t exist and there are 7 billions definitions of „perfect“ in the world. Can you imagine how exhausting it is to work, work, work for goal that you can never achieve? Even to think that I am longing for something paired with the lack of a good self-esteem was making me feeling really, really bad for days. I have hidden my feelings and wishes so good, that I lost the sight of them.
But now my eyes are not blind anymore, my self-esteem is in an adorable constitution. What comes now?
V U L N E R A B I L I T Y
Puuuuuuuuh, hello you enemy that I was terrified of since the day of my birth. Wanna be my friend now? Well, actually there are not many things left in this world that can hurt me more than my past, so I´m ready to raise you to the surface. Shall I? I have a notion that I have to do this in order of being able to demand for the things I am longing for.
And now: I am demanding! I am demanding to give all the love I have and I am demanding for someone who wants my kind of love. I am demanding for someone who´ll love me the way I want to be loved to feel like I am loved and I am demanding for someone on my side who´ll do this for me just because the one is feeling unconditional love. I am demanding for someone who is worth all my efforts of being the best version of me I can be. I am demanding for someone for whom I constantly want to learn for the rest of my life on how to love him a bit more than yesterday.
And I´m not feeling bad about that. I am not in the need of someone who is fullfilling my dreams, I can do this on my own. I am not in the need of someone protecting me, I did this alone. I learnt to love myself first. But I´m a human being and it´s tiring to love without having someone to love. So I am demanding for everything that will add joy, love, peace and usefulness into my life without feeling bad about it.